Tag Archives: Rambling

Introducing Skaði

29 Jan

I feel almost like I should make a separate blog for the part of me that’s not me. The bipolar part that comes out and takes over my thoughts and emotions. I’ve learned to think of myself as two separate people almost. One is me, the way I know me and like myself. The other is some monster that is out to ruin my life. I’m gonna call her “Skaði“. Skaði is a character from Norse mythology… what she did to Loki reminds me of what my other me does to the real me… She hung a venomous snake above Loki’s face and when the venom fell on him he writhed in such pain that the world was wracked with earthquakes. That’s kinda how I feel. I’m fine as long as the venom doesn’t touch me but as soon as it collects enough to drip down… my entire world starts crumbling.

This morning I yelled at Shawn for absolutely nothing. We had been in the car, I was driving, he had just taken me to breakfast for my birthday (25 now) and asked me if I wanted to go look at some antiques. I had thought he motioned at the flea market on the service road so I got off at the exit and turned down the service road. In the car we had been discussing some family issues that make us both rather angry and I was already fired up from talking about it. As I went around the corner I cut it too close and hit the curb (car’s fine just a good knock). I was so embarrassed and being embarrassed tends to raise the stress/anger level and then as I was pulling up to the flea market he asked me why we were there, he thought we were going to the antique stores in town. Apparently I had misread him and that made me even more embarrassed… enough to tip the scale I guess because before I even knew what was happening I was yelling at him something along the line of “Well tell me what you want then!”, slamming my fist on the steering wheel and my foot on the brake. Of course he got angry and asked me why the Hell I was getting angry at him and I had no good answer… it wasn’t the sort of thing you should get that angry over. I stopped to take a few breaths and tried to ask as calmly as possible what did he want to do. We ended up just going home and he went to lay down while I tried to deal with Skaði.

I don’t take any meds for bipolar… maybe I should? I don’t really know what to do. It really scares me that I have such little control over what Skaði says and does. I’ll always be the first to take full responsibility for my actions, but they really are episodes. I tend to not realize what I’ve said or done until halfway through the act. Sometimes not until someone tells me what just happened (only ever happened twice like that though).

What scares me the most is having children… I want to be a mom and I feel like I’d be really good at it and I’ve always known it was something I wanted to do… What about Skaði? Will I really be able to handle the baby who won’t stop crying or the rebellious teenager? It’s a concept that makes me really sad.

The worst part is, for the first time in years, today I wondered how much better off the world would be without me. I’m not trying to be dramatic or attention getting, please don’t take this the wrong way, I just think that if I say it somewhere instead of letting the thought just fester alone in the back of my mind… maybe I can reread this later and remind myself how ridiculous it is. I thought about how Shawn could find another girl who was a bit more reliable and a lot less crazy and how much better off his kids would be. I know he wouldn’t approve of the thought process, but it came on its own without invitation.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Skaði makes me feel so helpless. She plants awful thoughts in my head and tells me how unloved I am by everyone and how terrible my life is when I (the real me) know none of it is true. It makes me wonder how many people in my life I’ve estranged because of something Skaði whispered in my ear about them not liking me anyway. I’ve always had social anxiety… how much of that is her? How much of my life is truly controlled by her?

I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I want to be normal and not think these awful thoughts or want to cry at the drop of a hat or get angry enough to break something because of the smallest mistake. I guess I am my own worst enemy.

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Some Seriousness Pt 2

22 Jan

Alright guys… let me lay some heaviness on you all. I haven’t blogged much the past couple days because I’ve been having some serious ups and downs and have been hoping they’ll just pass, but no luck so far. I was diagnosed as bipolar only last year having been told I was merely chronically depressive most of my life. I have swings like it’s no one’s business. I try my best not to put my negative moods into the world but sometimes it can lead to some serious thinking…

Today I’ve been reading news. Never a good thing. I think what bothers me the most is the lack of awareness out there. The lack of anger. The lack of panic. Why is no one else freaking out like I am? Why is no one else slightly terrified of bringing a new life into this world we live in considering the direction we’re headed? I’m not just talking about the degrading morals… I’m talking about the 1st world taking everything for granted and not realizing what deep shit we’re in (pardon mon français) .

Water. It is in everything we eat, everything we drink, most things we do involve this seemingly commonplace liquid. The average American uses roughly 176 gallons of it a day. We are running out. FAST. It has been predicted that by the year 2050 the world will be facing the largest scale water crisis in the history of recorded time. That’s what…. less than 40 years from now? Quite frankly… what are we doing, people?

Amount of water used, per day, to irrigate the world’s golf courses: 2.5 billion gallons

Amount of people in the world who lack access to safe and clean drinking water: 884 million people

And we’re watering golf courses.

Anyone else having a “wtf?” moment?

Have some music for this next section: Mizan Version David Bowie/Trent Reznor Version

The average American uses more clean drinkable water in a 5 minute shower than the average impoverished African family uses in a day. England uses about half what Americans do and Japan a third.

What I’m really getting at is that we have more in the news about Brad and Angelina than we do about this? Why? Because Brad and Angelina sell and this is the scary truth. Ostriches. No one wants to acknowledge the alarms going off around them so they bury their head in the sand.

It’s great for me to dream of having kids and moving into a house and progressing in my career, but the terrifying reality is that it may not go that way. A human being can go for almost a month without food… but only a week without water.

Did you know that there are large corporations buying up the water rights throughout the world and hoarding it? Imagine a world where bottled water is no longer a choice. Where you turn on the tap and nothing comes out. Imagine water being sold by the gallon at ever-rising prices as the supply erodes.

It’d be like gas prices… only if you can’t pay it it’s much worse than having to give up your precious car… it’s life or death.

It makes me very sad to think that I may tell my children about the days of having a pool in the backyards and playing in the yard with the hose knowing they’ll never experience the same.

But, there are children in the world right now who never got that luxury.

All I want is for people to take the time to face the truth about this and other things happening in the world around them. Don’t be distracted by the media’s shiny celebrities. Pay attention to what’s going on. Watch a documentary instead of a romantic comedy. Watch it with your kids. Learn something together. Grow the bonds of your family by knowing how much you rely on one another.

And please… save resources whenever you can and I will try to do the same. I’m not perfect. But, I am scared. I guess that’s something.

Tomorrow’s post will be much nicer, I promise.

Facts from Water Facts and Water.org

Seasons, Songs and Subjects

6 Jan

Waking up at 5:30-ish in the morning is really not my forte’, although I did get to bed early (Around 10) after finally finishing Portal 2. So knock one thing off of the to-do list.

Today I have music on the brain. I tend to go in cycles with what music I listen to. I like my music to reflect the season. It helps me to appreciate the ever-changing world around me. The cycle usually tends to go like this:

  • Spring – light indie-pop, upbeat folk-pop, lots of airy guitars and birdlike voices. (Favorite Spring bands currently include: The Decemberists, Regina Spektor, A Fine Frenzy, CSS, Sufjan Stevens, etc.)
  • Summer – Very bright pop and indie-pop. Tends to be a bit less folky. (Favorite Summer bands include: The Postal Service, Kate Nash, Signal Hill Transmission, Broken Bells, Noah and the Whale, etc.)
  • Autumn – the return to folk-pop but with a bit of a darker tone. (Favorite Autumn bands include: Miike Snow, the Decemberists, Seawolf, The Pierces, Kimya Dawson, Via Audio, Sia, etc.)
  • Winter – Takes a whole new turn and I dive headlong into symphonic, epic, folk and progressive metal. (Favorites in Winter include: Sonata Arctica, Tyr, Eluveitie, Kamelot, Epica, Symphony X, Dream Theater, Agathodaimon, Children of Bodom, Iced Earth, etc.)

I guess it’s kind of odd to pick what you’re listening to by the season but if you’ve never tried it I suggest you do! It creates a year-long ebb and flow. I find without my seasonal soundtrack I’d never know what season it was. See, here in Louisiana (aka Hell) we have only two seasons: Hot as Hell and Uncomfortably Cold. Between these two distinct seasons there is about a two weeks switching period which I lovingly name “Allergy-time”. Mostly because for about 2 weeks everything is wonderful and then immediately following there is one week of hot one day, cold the next, hot the next, etc. The plants and my sinuses get very confused and I ALWAYS end up sick. So the only way for me to keep in mind that there are indeed 4 distinct season is to a) listen to different music and b) drink seasonally flavored coffee.

On the baby-making front… a few years ago (more like five or six) I thought it would be hilarious to give my grandmother a joke gift for Xmas (Did you know that “x” translates as Χριστός or Christ in Greek? Sorry you bought that bumper sticker now, aren’t ya?!). I gave my grandmother a book entitled “Sex After 50″… I had seen it in Spencer’s and hadn’t even bothered to open it before purchasing it because I was finally old enough that sex wasn’t a forbidden topic anymore and apparently I felt the rather immature need to put that into everyone’s face. Sorry, Grams. When I gave it to them it got worse as apparently the entire book was made of blank pages! We all had a good laugh and moved on with the holiday. Ever since my wedding I’ve been badgered with little comments of “You know this family could use some great-grandkids” and the like so as her way of “revenge” she bought me a giant book called “Getting Pregnant Fast”. I know she meant it as a joke but I’ve read almost the whole thing now! It’s  a little out of date (pub’d in 2001), but still full of great information. The months seem to move so much sower when you’re counting days, come on already!

A note on topics:

I realize that this blog is kind of everywhere. Being so I also understand that it will never have the following of some of the more one-topic dedicated blogs out there. Honestly… I could never continuously write about one topic. This blog is an outlet for me for my day-to-day thoughts, activities and ideas. I have absolutely no writing experience and really just like to type and think on the go. That being said, even if someone only looks once at this blog without subscribing, that’s ok with me. Maybe someone may look once, see one thing they like and move on. There’s still a chance they may connect with one thing I write about. That’s the whole goal. Anyway, this is just a me-blog.

Okidoki so this week has been a to-do list flop. Completely. So today I’m making a realistic to-do list.

TODAY:

  1. Work (TGIF!)
  2. Drink coffee (out of milk so having fun with recipes today, may post some good ones.)
  3. Make dinner (Use up the stupid left-over chicken before it goes bad! Waste-not!)
  4. Help hubby set up a blog for his new project (our new aquaponics balcony garden!)
  5. Take Chase for a long walk instead of going to the gym.
  6. Sleep? Who needs it?! It’s the weekend!