Tag Archives: Rambling

How Creativity Died

9 Mar

First off…. Watch this: TED Talks

We have engineered creativity out of ourselves and our children. Isn’t it sad? I did horribly in school. I was fantastic come test time… I had the highest test scores in my class, but I had a very low grade point average. I was also taken to several psychiatrists and by the time I was 10 years old I took 8 pills every morning. I can’t even tell you what they all were. ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety, over-active imagination, tendency to exaggerate, over-dramatic, too much energy, can’t sit still, doesn’t play well with others, not enough attention to academics, doesn’t know how to study, obviously doesn’t care, failing.

What could I have been if they had just let me be me and express myself in the ways my body was telling me to?

I came across this quote from a site called toxicdrums:

Boredom is actually a form of distress.  To get a perspective on this consider all those relaxed lions dozing in the mid day sun on the African plains.  You won’t see a bored one.  But in a zoo they can (unfortunately) sometimes be seen neurotically pacing backwards and forwards.  That is a bored lion.  When you are feeling bored it is usually because the natural activities that you want are not available as choices in your conscious mind.  You are in some sense caged.  The typical reason for this is that  you have been restricted in your past by figures of authority, your parents, your teachers, or other people looking after you.  See the educating children page for more about how we stifle our children.  It’s called oppression and you learn to comply to stay safe and survive.  Eventually you are doing it to yourself without being conscious of it.  So it seems a mystery why you feel unhappy and stuck.

Isn’t it bizarre? Trapped in our own minds. I just wonder how to begin trying to reclaim some of what may have been lost to me. They say getting outside and exercising is a good beginning. I wish it would stop raining.

This is a minor Skadi day for me. A little shaky, but surviving. We don’t have internet at the new place yet so it’s hard for me to post. I took lots of pictures to share, but the internet from the retirement home next door is very weak and it’d take too long to upload them right now.

Featured image is body art by Emma Hack  – She’s fantastic


Wound Tight

29 Feb

It’s been a while, folks. Tomorrow is the big day. The day we go sign the lease on the new apartment and get the keys to begin moving in. It’s stressful, but in a good way. It has made me a little short and I can feel myself stretched onto the ledge just barely hanging on. I feel wound like a rubberband… with just the wrong touch I’ll fly off and snap. I’m working hard trying to maintain positivity, but I can feel the anxiety hiding just under the surface. It scares me and that makes it worse.

Tonight I watched Benny and Joon. I love that movie. It always makes me smile. I hope one day to have a house as colorful and fun as hers looks in the movie.

I think Shawn knows I’m on the tipping point… he hardly spoke to me yesterday. Maybe I’m just imagining something out of paranoia, though. He tells me I do that a lot.

I don’t really have anything to report. I just felt like I should probably try typing some stuff out to help me relax a little.

I don’t think it’s working though. I need to find something else to do. I’m just scared. I don’t want to fall out right now. I have too much to do and we only have 2 weeks to get everything moved and cleaned. I can’t fall out right now. I need to stay happy.

Cups of Tea = New Friends?

23 Feb

Remember last week’s social experiment that went well? Tonight was the second weekly meeting I’ve gone to. It was great! We went to a local coffee shop and all got some tea and snack and we just sat around taking about anything and everything. It was so much fun! The two girls that were last week were there and we were joined by a British lady who’s here with her husband for work living in the states. They’re all very sweet! I have to say I love finally getting the low-down on some aspects of British life and how it compares to American. I’ve considered trying to emigrate to the U.K. before, but I honestly just don’t have the money or marketable skills to do so. I’m very excited to have some new people to talk to and the possibility of forming some new friendships.

Today at work I was asked to design a t-shirt honoring a woman who passed away. I have to admit that being a) non-religious and b) that I never met the departed I was kind of confused as to where to go with it. At first I got a picture of an open bible and mapped her picture so that it looked like one of the pages. My employer told me it was “just not right” to insert some into the bible (even though the deceased was a pastor). So, Instead I put the bible in front of a framed picture f her. Then I was told to erase the words from the pages and instead insert some verses from psalms. The whole thing was rather interesting but I think it came out well. I’d post it here to show you, but I feel that may be a violation of her family’s privacy.

Let’s see… other news… Again we’re not trying for baby this month so I’m not even bothering to chart.

Um… Well I guess that’s it for today. A little short, but c’est la vie!

Comics and Confessions

19 Feb

Have I ever told you guys that my husband is the most fantastic and awesome guy ever? He is. Seriously. Yesterday he came home from work with a bundle of flattened boxes all bound together by some masking tape. I love that he listens. I never even asked him for more boxes! And then today he took me to get coffee and then to the comic book shop where I got an issue of the Doctor Who comics (the 2010 annual) and an issue of The Doctor Who Companion magazine! I think my affection for DW may be getting out of hand, but as long as Shawn is enjoying it as much as I am then who cares?

I want to get a tattoo. I love tattoos! This one will probably be next, because sometimes if I think about a tattoo too long I’ll talk myself out of it and what fun is that? I want to get sort of a cameo with lace around the outside but in the middle instead of a silhouette I want a picture of the tardis with roses growing behind it. And somewhere in the lace, kind of hidden I want the words “Bad Wolf” stitched into the lines. And then underneath the whole thing, maybe overlapping the cameo a little, banner that says “Allons-y”. I need this. It will go on the outside of my right ankle/lower calf.

Confession: I had pizza today and yesterday. That is totally NOT diet friendly. I feel like I need the move. I need this total reset to be able to get my life back together. My apartment is a mess (today I took out 3 bags full of trash). I guess ever since my last episode… I didn’t clean at all during it and the house fell apart. Big time. I just haven’t had the motivation yet to get up take it all back. I really hate the fallout from it. I was watching the United States of Tara and she was talking about how much she hated cleaning up after her other personalities… I kind of knew pretty much how she felt. Obviously not entirely… but, by the time I’m feeling like myself again there’s usually mess and destruction all around me. Not always physical either. It puts a lot of stress on my personal relationships.

There is another side to bipolar… not just myself and Skadi… there’s also the manic side. When I feel so happy and energized I could just bounce off the walls. It’s also the reason I was first misdiagnosed as ADHD. But, it gets to the point where I’m obviously not acting like myself anymore (I usually get the “Are you ok?” and the “What are you on?” questions). I’m a fairly calm and down to earth person in general. I like to be happy, but quietly. I haven’t had a good flash of manic for a while now. I could use one with the move coming up. I tend to get so much done. Endless amounts of energy, and like this crazy super focus. It’s like I can hone in on one thing like a missile and ignore everything else.  I could really use that right now. I need to get a lot done.

So… best to start right now. I’m going to put on some indie-rock on Pandora (welcome back springtime!) and I’ll work on cleaning, laundry and packing.


Where Were We?

17 Feb

So, here’s the report: Last night’s “experiment” went very well. Is it the beginning of something bigger and deeper? I’m not sure. I did get invited by one of the girls from last night to go to a local Mardi Gras parade today, but I wasn’t feeling well and after work I simply went home to lie down.

I’m excited about the prospect of new friends and at the same time apprehensive. I’m always afraid to put any stresses on my relationship with hubs because I tend to get kind of weird. I’ll begin constantly asking him if he’s angry or if I’m doing something wrong. Totally a confidence issue, but it makes me try to avoid the situation all the same. I hope that he’ll be ok with me being a little more “out of the house”. People tell me it shouldn’t matter and I should do what I want to, the end. But, it does matter. His opinion will always be a big influence on my life as much as my opinion influences him (and it does, believe me). I guess that’s really the definition of marriage. Agreeing to compromise.

Packing. Not going well. Remember that really organized packing plan I made for myself? Yea… no. I’ve run out of boxes and have yet to get all the trinkets away so I came up with a new plan: Since I only have 5 boxes (which is really all that will fit in my car at once) I will pack up all the boxes, drive them to the new apartment, then unpack them and PUT THINGS WHERE THEY BELONG, take the empty boxes back to the old apartment and do it again! This forces me to unpack as I’m moving! I won’t have any boxes stacked up waiting for me to get to them to unpack them! Really, I’m wondering why I didn’t think of this first. I’ll call it “Rotational Relocation”. Rotating the same 5 boxes to move everything from one place to the other and since we won’t be actually sleeping at the new apartment until a week after we’ve had it it’ll gives us plenty of time to work on it slowly and do it properly. Especially since we’ll both still be working a full day for most of that week. Only two weeks until we begin moving now. I’m excited.

Diet. Not going well either. I need to clear my head again. I need to get my mind in the place where everyday I wake up, go online and find a dress I want to wear and look good in, print it out and put it on the wall right before I make my first shake of the day. I have got to do this. I have also got to start walking further each day. I know Chase won’t mind. The new apartment complex doesn’t have a gym in it, so I better get used to finding time to go somewhere and work out. I have got to get in shape. Seriously. So, I just had a shake, tomorrow I will have nothing but shakes all day. Wish me luck.

Also, I’ve been working on a digital art project which is something I haven’t done in a while. When it’s finished I’ll post it here. It’s sort of a Doctor Who poster/t-shirt type thingy. Maybe. I hardly ever know what my art will be until it is. You know?


Social Experimentation

16 Feb

Here I am. Sitting, typing, waiting for something to appear on the page.

Tonight I’ll be attempting a new sort of social experiment. You see, I don’t have many friends and none that live near me (aside from Dear Hubby). So, I did the crazy thing and went to meetups.com to look for more lonely people in my area. I found a group that tonight is going out to a local bar for karaoke and drinks. I’m a bit nervous having never met any of them and never having done something like this before. So, I guess we’ll just see how it goes.

I’m feeling pretty ok on the mood front lately. I feel happy and stable so let’s hope we can make that last for as long as possible.

The past couple days have been kind of rainy. I love the rain. There’s nothing more relaxing than sitting on the balcony with a book and a cup of tea just reading with the sound of the rain in the background against the soft and cloudy light. I’m almost done with my latest read: A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin… still one more book out for that series to go. I really enjoy those books. They pull you in and won’t let you go. He writes in a way that always keeps you guessing because it seems that no character, no matter big or small, is safe from the threat of spontaneous death. He kills off main characters left and right. I started with a favorite character and my favorites have changed so many times now… I just love the whole thing. I have yet to see the HBO series based on the books. I’d like to when I’m done reading them. There’s also plans for a video game that would be interesting to play.

Speaking of video game… so excited about the prospect of the Doctor Who game for PS3 being released this year.  I just cannot get enough Doctor Who these last few weeks.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say, but I did manage to put some things on the page after all. If I kept going  it’d be nonsensical rambling so I’m off to head home and get ready for tonight.

Talking to No One

12 Feb

Yesterday, I did something rather strange. I set my little voice recorder to record and just talked. I was home alone and not feeling well. I had also been watching Dr. Who most of the day (surprisingly thought provoking). I talked to no one for roughly 45 minutes. Saying anything that came to mind. Getting everything out into the air.

Afterwards, I pressed play to listen back to it and see if I could make sense of it. It only recorded the first 10 minutes. I have to admit I was kind of disappointed. But, then I was kind of relieved. I had touched on some rather serious issues from my past and even though it felt good to talk about them… I’m not ready to share them.

I’m feeling well lately and have been packing for the upcoming move. I’ll admit I haven’t quite gotten back to the place I was in when I started this blog. Though, even now I’m noticing that if I just sit down and begin typing, surely something will appear on the page. Perhaps I should try more often to just sit and type. Who knows what would come out.

We’re still waiting for this cycle to get well under way so that we can attempt the baby-making again. I’d feel awful if I got pregnant this month. 9 months from now is the biggest project of the year at work and I’d be ready to pop right in the middle of it all (Not to mention 3 hours from home and without Shawn). So, we’re thinking we may not try too hard this month… my luck, that’ll be when it happens. The name topic has come up again (as it always does). I was playing around with the Baby Name Genie when it suggested Lillian Jane. Such a pretty name. The obvious problem is that every single form of Lillian including Lilla, Lilly, Lil and so on and so forth are all in the top 50 names. I brought up this sad news to my hubs and he got kind of ruffled with me and said “I don’t give a damn what number they are. I like the name Abigail, if it’s in the top 50, who cares?”. I was at first both taken aback and slightly excited by his laissez-faire attitude toward the whole thing. I guess, I’ve always been so afraid of my child going through what I went through being an Ashley in the great big “Ashley-era”. But, I think he may be right. If I like a name perhaps I shouldn’t shove it aside for something I like less just because other people like it too. So for right now the name on the top of the girl list is Abigael Elise. The boy list is still topped out by the only ever agreed upon male name Silas and since Shawn could care less what the middle name will be I’m voting for Beckett or Elliott.

I have to tell you, though… I have always had this really strong feeling that I’d have a baby girl first. Then, my grandmother did the thing where you hang the pencil from the sewing needle and thread (She’s really good at getting it right) told me I’d have a girl then a boy and then a girl. Silly really, because I have never in my life wanted more than 2 children and right now I’m considering having only one for financial reasons. And I’m a big believer in vasectomy. Still… something has always whispered “girl” in the back of my mind. I wouldn’t mind a boy… it’s just that feeling.

Anyway, I’ll be off now. I’m giving up on listing a to-do list. It rarely gets done!