Tag Archives: Fertility

Talking to No One

12 Feb

Yesterday, I did something rather strange. I set my little voice recorder to record and just talked. I was home alone and not feeling well. I had also been watching Dr. Who most of the day (surprisingly thought provoking). I talked to no one for roughly 45 minutes. Saying anything that came to mind. Getting everything out into the air.

Afterwards, I pressed play to listen back to it and see if I could make sense of it. It only recorded the first 10 minutes. I have to admit I was kind of disappointed. But, then I was kind of relieved. I had touched on some rather serious issues from my past and even though it felt good to talk about them… I’m not ready to share them.

I’m feeling well lately and have been packing for the upcoming move. I’ll admit I haven’t quite gotten back to the place I was in when I started this blog. Though, even now I’m noticing that if I just sit down and begin typing, surely something will appear on the page. Perhaps I should try more often to just sit and type. Who knows what would come out.

We’re still waiting for this cycle to get well under way so that we can attempt the baby-making again. I’d feel awful if I got pregnant this month. 9 months from now is the biggest project of the year at work and I’d be ready to pop right in the middle of it all (Not to mention 3 hours from home and without Shawn). So, we’re thinking we may not try too hard this month… my luck, that’ll be when it happens. The name topic has come up again (as it always does). I was playing around with the Baby Name Genie when it suggested Lillian Jane. Such a pretty name. The obvious problem is that every single form of Lillian including Lilla, Lilly, Lil and so on and so forth are all in the top 50 names. I brought up this sad news to my hubs and he got kind of ruffled with me and said “I don’t give a damn what number they are. I like the name Abigail, if it’s in the top 50, who cares?”. I was at first both taken aback and slightly excited by his laissez-faire attitude toward the whole thing. I guess, I’ve always been so afraid of my child going through what I went through being an Ashley in the great big “Ashley-era”. But, I think he may be right. If I like a name perhaps I shouldn’t shove it aside for something I like less just because other people like it too. So for right now the name on the top of the girl list is Abigael Elise. The boy list is still topped out by the only ever agreed upon male name Silas and since Shawn could care less what the middle name will be I’m voting for Beckett or Elliott.

I have to tell you, though… I have always had this really strong feeling that I’d have a baby girl first. Then, my grandmother did the thing where you hang the pencil from the sewing needle and thread (She’s really good at getting it right) told me I’d have a girl then a boy and then a girl. Silly really, because I have never in my life wanted more than 2 children and right now I’m considering having only one for financial reasons. And I’m a big believer in vasectomy. Still… something has always whispered “girl” in the back of my mind. I wouldn’t mind a boy… it’s just that feeling.

Anyway, I’ll be off now. I’m giving up on listing a to-do list. It rarely gets done!


Ink and New Beginnings

1 Feb

I’m finally feeling more like myself again. And just in time too… yesterday we put down a deposit on a new apartment a few towns over. When we took our current apartment it was a convenience being closer to work for both hubs and myself. Now that we’ve both changed jobs in the past year it’s rather inconvenient being where we are. So we shall bid “Au Revoir” to this cramped 675 sq ft place we’ve called home and “Nihao” to our shiny new 1100 sq ft townhome. I shouldn’t necessarily say “shiny new” because we’re getting a cheaper rate on it because it’s one of the units that has yet to be renovated. However, I’m a big fan of wabi-sabi so it works just fine for me. There will be some decorating hurdles but I’ve decided to put all of those thoughts out of my mind until move-in time.

Today also marks the end of my first complete cycle while “trying”. Only one sad pink little line this month. I’m taking a few days to just relax and try to get my mind back in it’s happy place and ready for this coming month to be a disappointment. Of course, I’m hopeful… but, if I expect failure then it won’t come as a sad surprise… instead success would be an even happier surprise! So, this month we will try our best. But, I wholly expect it to be at least 6 months to a year before conception. Just being realistic.

I have also restarted my diet. With the fading of my most recent despairing episode I felt the time right to begin again. I get to have 4 milkshakes a day, multi-vitamins, and on days when I just gotta chew something – plain seafood. I can have 2 cheat meals a week. The shakes do make me feel full and they don’t taste awful. And if I get hungry I can have more shakes. I can have as many shakes as I want. Usually four is enough, though. Hubby is also semi-joining me in this diet endeavor. I told him I won’t hold him strictly to it like I will myself. It’s nice to be on the same track with him though.

Before my little fall apart time I had made a really nice batch of apple pancakes and had taken pictures to blog the recipe and process. I’ll get around to it in a day or so now that I’m feeling sane again.

Lately, I’ve been pondering tattoos. I already have a couple and wouldn’t be opposed to getting a few more. I wanted to get one on my left foot that said “Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery” with a pen and an open book as a sort of reminder to myself to purposefully write my own story and cut out things that I don’t want in that story. My life is always an ongoing project of mine as I try to mold it into the one I’ve always wanted. (I think I’m doing pretty well… most of the time.)

I had a few other tattoo ideas, I even like the white ink tattoos that are popular lately. Some people say they look like scars… I think they’re just subtle. I love tattoos, but I’m into subtle too.

Well, I should go make another shake (and then a cup of tea).


  1. Work
  2. Drink tea (Spring time is for tea and it might as well be Spring here)
  3. Watch more Dr. Who
  4. Clean house
  5. Have shakes
  6. Get some sleep

Just a Short “Hello”

20 Jan

Ok so haven’t been on much the past few days because of work. Sorry.

I do, however, have some fun news!

  1. Today my OPK showed positive (so keep your fingers crossed for me!)
  2. Hubs and I actually agreed on a boy name. [GASP!]

We both like the name Silas. I’m adding that to the first ever “agreed upon” names list.

You know… while we’re on the topic of names: the other day I was looking up some stats on a couple names (I don’t want any names in the top 100, I check for feedback from people with that name, the meaning of names, etc.) and I came across a forum post written by a girl who was simply terrified that her brother’s girlfriend admitted to having always wanted to name her first daughter Jack (not Jackie, or Jacqueline or any variation there of). I have to admit… it kind of annoyed me because of the amount of people responding and saying how wrong it was to name a girl that. I know girls named Frankie, Charlie, Taylor, Toni, Jessie, Ashley, Jamie, Justyn, Skyler, Max, Mickey, Kelly, and Van. All of them “boy” names. Some of them, I’ll admit, have fallen into primary use by girls like Ashley and Kelly. But, originally they were traditionally boys’ names. Personally, I think if the mother wants to name her daughter Jack that she should go for it and I think it’s adorable. There is no right or wrong way to name your kid. If the kid hates it they can get it changed when they’re a little older.

I’m afraid I have a lot of work to catch up on today so this post is going to be regrettably short. I will hopefully make a much longer post tomorrow as I have more to share with you guys.

Rock and Stroll

13 Jan

I never really know what my posts are going to be about until I start typing. Sometimes I have ideas when I’m away from my computer and think to myself “I should write this down so I can write about it later”, but I never do. Or I think “I should take some pictures and I could blog about this later”, but I never do. Gotta work on that.

I’m in a kind of “babies-on-the-brain” mood again because my basal thermometer arrived last night and this morning was the first time I recorded my temperature on my chart. I’ll laugh my head off if I actually get pregnant this month and am left over with something like 20 OPK strips and a brand new hardly used basal thermometer. Of course, getting preggers this month would be a little bit of awesome.

Let’s talk about some of my favorite baby stuff!


I love the convertible crib sets because it makes so much sense! The crib comes with all the necessary pieces to become a toddler bed and then a full-sized headboard and footer! A lot of the sets include dressers and changing tables that become end tables when baby is older.

Although I love the look of things like this Scandinavian Cradle from Luxury Lamb… at $800 for a piece that baby will outgrow in a year or two it just make absolutely no sense (or cents… see what I did there?).

For the same price (and often times much less) you get a bed that stays with your kids for YEARS. All through their infant-teenage life as long as the construction holds up. My favorite one so far is this crib by Stork Craft sold at Target (for a whopping $229). I think I like it because of those 2 wider panels on it. As the kid gets older and wants new furniture not only could you paint the crib/headboard/thingamawijit but you could do some awesome DIY art type stuff on those panels to really personalize it and tailor it more to your kids interests. Heck, let the kid do it! (I was forever painting and repainting my walls and furniture as a kid. Loved it!)


I think strollers are awesome. I totally drive a VW beetle. Where the [redacted] am I supposed to put a stroller?! I guess I’ll worry about that after I figure out where I’m putting the car seat but just for S&G’s here’s my dream-stroller:

It’s called Apple by iCandy. And frankly… it’s adoralicious. It also has an extendable handle which is suuuuper important because my hubbers is 6’5. He’s up there. It’s bad enough the poor dear works in kitchen where the counters are all built for average height people so he’s hunched over all day at work (his poor back). I see custom height counters in our future. So, this would be a fantastic thing for him. But, at a price tag of $449… paying for a massage may be cheaper. There are plenty of lesser priced strollers out there but I only have eyes for this one at the moment. (Just let me dream a bit)

Well I think we’ll stop here for today. Maybe tomorrow we’ll talk some more about baby stuff. Maybe not. Who knows?


  1. Work (TGIF!)
  2. Clean house
  3. Coffee?
  4. Nap (I’m sleepy)
  5. Continue reading A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin
  6. Sleeeeeeep

Eggs and Their Lofty Standards

4 Jan

So my husband and I are trying to get pregnant. Well, moreover, I’m trying to get pregnant and he’s graciously agreed to assist me in the matter. It has me excited. When we were married 2 years ago I stopped taking birth control. (I was never a big fan of it because I have some serious family history of blood clots and it always scared me that all the labels read some warning about clots.) I figured the pregnancy would happen whenever and that it would be ok and awesome that the right sperm met the right egg in just the right time all set in motion by nothing more fate. It was all very romantic. But, totally did not happen. Apparently my eggs are playing hard to get and his sperm just aren’t into the hassle of catty high-maintenance eggs like that. So, now it’s come down to “trying”.

Yesterday I ordered a basal thermometer. I’ve begun charting (sans temperature until it arrives) and even picked up a pack of 20 OPK strips. My husband’s mother said it took her 5 years of trying to get pregnant. Do you know how old I’ll be in 5 years? 30. It’s not that it’s old, it’s not. It’s just that I always wanted to have my kids while I was still of the 20’s nature. My mother waited until her mid-30’s to have children and I understand her reasons I just always wanted them sooner than later. Better late than never mind you, but that’s totally not plan A (well, I guess letting it happen on its own was plan A so this is plan B…or Plan A v2.0).

To save you all the gruesome details of my monthly cycle I’ll just tell you that we’re still in the early days and I’m anxiously awaiting day 7 which is when I’ll begin testing with the OPK strips (I figure no point in testing all month since it’s likely that I can somewhat predict at least around when ovulation should be). They say that even when you get it right though there’s only a 20% chance of makin’ a baby. I prefer better odds but it just means we have to throw the dice as often as possible (within the whole once a day parameter… the metaphor isn’t perfect, but you get it, right?).

Until then I’ve had babies on the brain. I’ve window shopped for everything from cribs to lullaby CD’s! I’ve been carefully molding my names list for boys and girls, collecting tips and info from mommies with newborns like how to save on baby clothes, trying to put some money away to help pay for the inevitable hospital bills (we don’t have insurance… that worries me a lot) and trying to repair my credit a little at the same time. The waiting and the anticipation is driving me somewhat batty.

As for now, the day must go on.


  1. Work! (It’s also Hub’s first day of work at his new job! Yay!)
  2. Clean house
  3. Drink coffee
  4. Go to gym
  5. Bathe Dog
  6. Cook dinner (gotta think of something to make with leftover chicken…)
  7. Try to finish Portal 2 (maybe just a couple tests… I’m in what has got to be the last chapter)
  8. Maybe get some sleep?