Tag Archives: blah

How Creativity Died

9 Mar

First off…. Watch this: TED Talks

We have engineered creativity out of ourselves and our children. Isn’t it sad? I did horribly in school. I was fantastic come test time… I had the highest test scores in my class, but I had a very low grade point average. I was also taken to several psychiatrists and by the time I was 10 years old I took 8 pills every morning. I can’t even tell you what they all were. ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety, over-active imagination, tendency to exaggerate, over-dramatic, too much energy, can’t sit still, doesn’t play well with others, not enough attention to academics, doesn’t know how to study, obviously doesn’t care, failing.

What could I have been if they had just let me be me and express myself in the ways my body was telling me to?

I came across this quote from a site called toxicdrums:

Boredom is actually a form of distress.  To get a perspective on this consider all those relaxed lions dozing in the mid day sun on the African plains.  You won’t see a bored one.  But in a zoo they can (unfortunately) sometimes be seen neurotically pacing backwards and forwards.  That is a bored lion.  When you are feeling bored it is usually because the natural activities that you want are not available as choices in your conscious mind.  You are in some sense caged.  The typical reason for this is that  you have been restricted in your past by figures of authority, your parents, your teachers, or other people looking after you.  See the educating children page for more about how we stifle our children.  It’s called oppression and you learn to comply to stay safe and survive.  Eventually you are doing it to yourself without being conscious of it.  So it seems a mystery why you feel unhappy and stuck.

Isn’t it bizarre? Trapped in our own minds. I just wonder how to begin trying to reclaim some of what may have been lost to me. They say getting outside and exercising is a good beginning. I wish it would stop raining.

This is a minor Skadi day for me. A little shaky, but surviving. We don’t have internet at the new place yet so it’s hard for me to post. I took lots of pictures to share, but the internet from the retirement home next door is very weak and it’d take too long to upload them right now.

Featured image is body art by Emma Hack  – She’s fantastic

Wound Tight

29 Feb

It’s been a while, folks. Tomorrow is the big day. The day we go sign the lease on the new apartment and get the keys to begin moving in. It’s stressful, but in a good way. It has made me a little short and I can feel myself stretched onto the ledge just barely hanging on. I feel wound like a rubberband… with just the wrong touch I’ll fly off and snap. I’m working hard trying to maintain positivity, but I can feel the anxiety hiding just under the surface. It scares me and that makes it worse.

Tonight I watched Benny and Joon. I love that movie. It always makes me smile. I hope one day to have a house as colorful and fun as hers looks in the movie.

I think Shawn knows I’m on the tipping point… he hardly spoke to me yesterday. Maybe I’m just imagining something out of paranoia, though. He tells me I do that a lot.

I don’t really have anything to report. I just felt like I should probably try typing some stuff out to help me relax a little.

I don’t think it’s working though. I need to find something else to do. I’m just scared. I don’t want to fall out right now. I have too much to do and we only have 2 weeks to get everything moved and cleaned. I can’t fall out right now. I need to stay happy.

Talking to No One

12 Feb

Yesterday, I did something rather strange. I set my little voice recorder to record and just talked. I was home alone and not feeling well. I had also been watching Dr. Who most of the day (surprisingly thought provoking). I talked to no one for roughly 45 minutes. Saying anything that came to mind. Getting everything out into the air.

Afterwards, I pressed play to listen back to it and see if I could make sense of it. It only recorded the first 10 minutes. I have to admit I was kind of disappointed. But, then I was kind of relieved. I had touched on some rather serious issues from my past and even though it felt good to talk about them… I’m not ready to share them.

I’m feeling well lately and have been packing for the upcoming move. I’ll admit I haven’t quite gotten back to the place I was in when I started this blog. Though, even now I’m noticing that if I just sit down and begin typing, surely something will appear on the page. Perhaps I should try more often to just sit and type. Who knows what would come out.

We’re still waiting for this cycle to get well under way so that we can attempt the baby-making again. I’d feel awful if I got pregnant this month. 9 months from now is the biggest project of the year at work and I’d be ready to pop right in the middle of it all (Not to mention 3 hours from home and without Shawn). So, we’re thinking we may not try too hard this month… my luck, that’ll be when it happens. The name topic has come up again (as it always does). I was playing around with the Baby Name Genie when it suggested Lillian Jane. Such a pretty name. The obvious problem is that every single form of Lillian including Lilla, Lilly, Lil and so on and so forth are all in the top 50 names. I brought up this sad news to my hubs and he got kind of ruffled with me and said “I don’t give a damn what number they are. I like the name Abigail, if it’s in the top 50, who cares?”. I was at first both taken aback and slightly excited by his laissez-faire attitude toward the whole thing. I guess, I’ve always been so afraid of my child going through what I went through being an Ashley in the great big “Ashley-era”. But, I think he may be right. If I like a name perhaps I shouldn’t shove it aside for something I like less just because other people like it too. So for right now the name on the top of the girl list is Abigael Elise. The boy list is still topped out by the only ever agreed upon male name Silas and since Shawn could care less what the middle name will be I’m voting for Beckett or Elliott.

I have to tell you, though… I have always had this really strong feeling that I’d have a baby girl first. Then, my grandmother did the thing where you hang the pencil from the sewing needle and thread (She’s really good at getting it right) told me I’d have a girl then a boy and then a girl. Silly really, because I have never in my life wanted more than 2 children and right now I’m considering having only one for financial reasons. And I’m a big believer in vasectomy. Still… something has always whispered “girl” in the back of my mind. I wouldn’t mind a boy… it’s just that feeling.

Anyway, I’ll be off now. I’m giving up on listing a to-do list. It rarely gets done!

Introducing Skaði

29 Jan

I feel almost like I should make a separate blog for the part of me that’s not me. The bipolar part that comes out and takes over my thoughts and emotions. I’ve learned to think of myself as two separate people almost. One is me, the way I know me and like myself. The other is some monster that is out to ruin my life. I’m gonna call her “Skaði“. Skaði is a character from Norse mythology… what she did to Loki reminds me of what my other me does to the real me… She hung a venomous snake above Loki’s face and when the venom fell on him he writhed in such pain that the world was wracked with earthquakes. That’s kinda how I feel. I’m fine as long as the venom doesn’t touch me but as soon as it collects enough to drip down… my entire world starts crumbling.

This morning I yelled at Shawn for absolutely nothing. We had been in the car, I was driving, he had just taken me to breakfast for my birthday (25 now) and asked me if I wanted to go look at some antiques. I had thought he motioned at the flea market on the service road so I got off at the exit and turned down the service road. In the car we had been discussing some family issues that make us both rather angry and I was already fired up from talking about it. As I went around the corner I cut it too close and hit the curb (car’s fine just a good knock). I was so embarrassed and being embarrassed tends to raise the stress/anger level and then as I was pulling up to the flea market he asked me why we were there, he thought we were going to the antique stores in town. Apparently I had misread him and that made me even more embarrassed… enough to tip the scale I guess because before I even knew what was happening I was yelling at him something along the line of “Well tell me what you want then!”, slamming my fist on the steering wheel and my foot on the brake. Of course he got angry and asked me why the Hell I was getting angry at him and I had no good answer… it wasn’t the sort of thing you should get that angry over. I stopped to take a few breaths and tried to ask as calmly as possible what did he want to do. We ended up just going home and he went to lay down while I tried to deal with Skaði.

I don’t take any meds for bipolar… maybe I should? I don’t really know what to do. It really scares me that I have such little control over what Skaði says and does. I’ll always be the first to take full responsibility for my actions, but they really are episodes. I tend to not realize what I’ve said or done until halfway through the act. Sometimes not until someone tells me what just happened (only ever happened twice like that though).

What scares me the most is having children… I want to be a mom and I feel like I’d be really good at it and I’ve always known it was something I wanted to do… What about Skaði? Will I really be able to handle the baby who won’t stop crying or the rebellious teenager? It’s a concept that makes me really sad.

The worst part is, for the first time in years, today I wondered how much better off the world would be without me. I’m not trying to be dramatic or attention getting, please don’t take this the wrong way, I just think that if I say it somewhere instead of letting the thought just fester alone in the back of my mind… maybe I can reread this later and remind myself how ridiculous it is. I thought about how Shawn could find another girl who was a bit more reliable and a lot less crazy and how much better off his kids would be. I know he wouldn’t approve of the thought process, but it came on its own without invitation.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Skaði makes me feel so helpless. She plants awful thoughts in my head and tells me how unloved I am by everyone and how terrible my life is when I (the real me) know none of it is true. It makes me wonder how many people in my life I’ve estranged because of something Skaði whispered in my ear about them not liking me anyway. I’ve always had social anxiety… how much of that is her? How much of my life is truly controlled by her?

I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I want to be normal and not think these awful thoughts or want to cry at the drop of a hat or get angry enough to break something because of the smallest mistake. I guess I am my own worst enemy.

An Air of “Blah”

7 Jan

Today is simply one of those days when I don’t feel much like doing anything. The hubs went to work early this morning leaving me home all by my lonesome. Sure, I’ll get some cleaning done, but I’m just feeling “blah”.

So what do you do on “blah” days? Go for a walk. Get out of the house, take the dog and just go somewhere else… I would do that until I remembered I let hubs take my car this morning (his car hates me and every time I drive it something breaks… so I don’t). So Chase and I had to amuse ourselves by walking around the apartment complex. It’s kind of an icky day so we didn’t walk very far but here are a couple photos from our journey:

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The ducks are back in town for the winter.

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Chase is due a haircut soon, I think.

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Looking out into Lake Pontchartrain.

 The walk was nice. We brought the ducks some left over Christmas cookies. They seemed to appreciate them.

Well, now the time has come for me to clean house and get my chores done for the weekend. Tonight my mother and I are headed out to see a Greg Allman concert at the Hard Rock Casino as well as use up the free buffet ticket they sent me for my birthday! I want to try and do my hair pretty, like the waterfall braid tutorial I found the other day…. we’ll see if I can manage it. I’m usually rather clumsy and my hair is just getting long enough to dip past my shoulders.

TODAY:

  1. Laundry & cleaning
  2. Drink coffee
  3. Go to the gym
  4. Go to the casino
  5. Win money
  6. See music
  7. Sleep!