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Talking to No One

12 Feb

Yesterday, I did something rather strange. I set my little voice recorder to record and just talked. I was home alone and not feeling well. I had also been watching Dr. Who most of the day (surprisingly thought provoking). I talked to no one for roughly 45 minutes. Saying anything that came to mind. Getting everything out into the air.

Afterwards, I pressed play to listen back to it and see if I could make sense of it. It only recorded the first 10 minutes. I have to admit I was kind of disappointed. But, then I was kind of relieved. I had touched on some rather serious issues from my past and even though it felt good to talk about them… I’m not ready to share them.

I’m feeling well lately and have been packing for the upcoming move. I’ll admit I haven’t quite gotten back to the place I was in when I started this blog. Though, even now I’m noticing that if I just sit down and begin typing, surely something will appear on the page. Perhaps I should try more often to just sit and type. Who knows what would come out.

We’re still waiting for this cycle to get well under way so that we can attempt the baby-making again. I’d feel awful if I got pregnant this month. 9 months from now is the biggest project of the year at work and I’d be ready to pop right in the middle of it all (Not to mention 3 hours from home and without Shawn). So, we’re thinking we may not try too hard this month… my luck, that’ll be when it happens. The name topic has come up again (as it always does). I was playing around with the Baby Name Genie when it suggested Lillian Jane. Such a pretty name. The obvious problem is that every single form of Lillian including Lilla, Lilly, Lil and so on and so forth are all in the top 50 names. I brought up this sad news to my hubs and he got kind of ruffled with me and said “I don’t give a damn what number they are. I like the name Abigail, if it’s in the top 50, who cares?”. I was at first both taken aback and slightly excited by his laissez-faire attitude toward the whole thing. I guess, I’ve always been so afraid of my child going through what I went through being an Ashley in the great big “Ashley-era”. But, I think he may be right. If I like a name perhaps I shouldn’t shove it aside for something I like less just because other people like it too. So for right now the name on the top of the girl list is Abigael Elise. The boy list is still topped out by the only ever agreed upon male name Silas and since Shawn could care less what the middle name will be I’m voting for Beckett or Elliott.

I have to tell you, though… I have always had this really strong feeling that I’d have a baby girl first. Then, my grandmother did the thing where you hang the pencil from the sewing needle and thread (She’s really good at getting it right) told me I’d have a girl then a boy and then a girl. Silly really, because I have never in my life wanted more than 2 children and right now I’m considering having only one for financial reasons. And I’m a big believer in vasectomy. Still… something has always whispered “girl” in the back of my mind. I wouldn’t mind a boy… it’s just that feeling.

Anyway, I’ll be off now. I’m giving up on listing a to-do list. It rarely gets done!

Ink and New Beginnings

1 Feb

I’m finally feeling more like myself again. And just in time too… yesterday we put down a deposit on a new apartment a few towns over. When we took our current apartment it was a convenience being closer to work for both hubs and myself. Now that we’ve both changed jobs in the past year it’s rather inconvenient being where we are. So we shall bid “Au Revoir” to this cramped 675 sq ft place we’ve called home and “Nihao” to our shiny new 1100 sq ft townhome. I shouldn’t necessarily say “shiny new” because we’re getting a cheaper rate on it because it’s one of the units that has yet to be renovated. However, I’m a big fan of wabi-sabi so it works just fine for me. There will be some decorating hurdles but I’ve decided to put all of those thoughts out of my mind until move-in time.

Today also marks the end of my first complete cycle while “trying”. Only one sad pink little line this month. I’m taking a few days to just relax and try to get my mind back in it’s happy place and ready for this coming month to be a disappointment. Of course, I’m hopeful… but, if I expect failure then it won’t come as a sad surprise… instead success would be an even happier surprise! So, this month we will try our best. But, I wholly expect it to be at least 6 months to a year before conception. Just being realistic.

I have also restarted my diet. With the fading of my most recent despairing episode I felt the time right to begin again. I get to have 4 milkshakes a day, multi-vitamins, and on days when I just gotta chew something – plain seafood. I can have 2 cheat meals a week. The shakes do make me feel full and they don’t taste awful. And if I get hungry I can have more shakes. I can have as many shakes as I want. Usually four is enough, though. Hubby is also semi-joining me in this diet endeavor. I told him I won’t hold him strictly to it like I will myself. It’s nice to be on the same track with him though.

Before my little fall apart time I had made a really nice batch of apple pancakes and had taken pictures to blog the recipe and process. I’ll get around to it in a day or so now that I’m feeling sane again.

Lately, I’ve been pondering tattoos. I already have a couple and wouldn’t be opposed to getting a few more. I wanted to get one on my left foot that said “Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery” with a pen and an open book as a sort of reminder to myself to purposefully write my own story and cut out things that I don’t want in that story. My life is always an ongoing project of mine as I try to mold it into the one I’ve always wanted. (I think I’m doing pretty well… most of the time.)

I had a few other tattoo ideas, I even like the white ink tattoos that are popular lately. Some people say they look like scars… I think they’re just subtle. I love tattoos, but I’m into subtle too.

Well, I should go make another shake (and then a cup of tea).

TODAY:

  1. Work
  2. Drink tea (Spring time is for tea and it might as well be Spring here)
  3. Watch more Dr. Who
  4. Clean house
  5. Have shakes
  6. Get some sleep

Introducing Skaði

29 Jan

I feel almost like I should make a separate blog for the part of me that’s not me. The bipolar part that comes out and takes over my thoughts and emotions. I’ve learned to think of myself as two separate people almost. One is me, the way I know me and like myself. The other is some monster that is out to ruin my life. I’m gonna call her “Skaði“. Skaði is a character from Norse mythology… what she did to Loki reminds me of what my other me does to the real me… She hung a venomous snake above Loki’s face and when the venom fell on him he writhed in such pain that the world was wracked with earthquakes. That’s kinda how I feel. I’m fine as long as the venom doesn’t touch me but as soon as it collects enough to drip down… my entire world starts crumbling.

This morning I yelled at Shawn for absolutely nothing. We had been in the car, I was driving, he had just taken me to breakfast for my birthday (25 now) and asked me if I wanted to go look at some antiques. I had thought he motioned at the flea market on the service road so I got off at the exit and turned down the service road. In the car we had been discussing some family issues that make us both rather angry and I was already fired up from talking about it. As I went around the corner I cut it too close and hit the curb (car’s fine just a good knock). I was so embarrassed and being embarrassed tends to raise the stress/anger level and then as I was pulling up to the flea market he asked me why we were there, he thought we were going to the antique stores in town. Apparently I had misread him and that made me even more embarrassed… enough to tip the scale I guess because before I even knew what was happening I was yelling at him something along the line of “Well tell me what you want then!”, slamming my fist on the steering wheel and my foot on the brake. Of course he got angry and asked me why the Hell I was getting angry at him and I had no good answer… it wasn’t the sort of thing you should get that angry over. I stopped to take a few breaths and tried to ask as calmly as possible what did he want to do. We ended up just going home and he went to lay down while I tried to deal with Skaði.

I don’t take any meds for bipolar… maybe I should? I don’t really know what to do. It really scares me that I have such little control over what Skaði says and does. I’ll always be the first to take full responsibility for my actions, but they really are episodes. I tend to not realize what I’ve said or done until halfway through the act. Sometimes not until someone tells me what just happened (only ever happened twice like that though).

What scares me the most is having children… I want to be a mom and I feel like I’d be really good at it and I’ve always known it was something I wanted to do… What about Skaði? Will I really be able to handle the baby who won’t stop crying or the rebellious teenager? It’s a concept that makes me really sad.

The worst part is, for the first time in years, today I wondered how much better off the world would be without me. I’m not trying to be dramatic or attention getting, please don’t take this the wrong way, I just think that if I say it somewhere instead of letting the thought just fester alone in the back of my mind… maybe I can reread this later and remind myself how ridiculous it is. I thought about how Shawn could find another girl who was a bit more reliable and a lot less crazy and how much better off his kids would be. I know he wouldn’t approve of the thought process, but it came on its own without invitation.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Skaði makes me feel so helpless. She plants awful thoughts in my head and tells me how unloved I am by everyone and how terrible my life is when I (the real me) know none of it is true. It makes me wonder how many people in my life I’ve estranged because of something Skaði whispered in my ear about them not liking me anyway. I’ve always had social anxiety… how much of that is her? How much of my life is truly controlled by her?

I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I want to be normal and not think these awful thoughts or want to cry at the drop of a hat or get angry enough to break something because of the smallest mistake. I guess I am my own worst enemy.

Some Seriousness Pt 2

22 Jan

Alright guys… let me lay some heaviness on you all. I haven’t blogged much the past couple days because I’ve been having some serious ups and downs and have been hoping they’ll just pass, but no luck so far. I was diagnosed as bipolar only last year having been told I was merely chronically depressive most of my life. I have swings like it’s no one’s business. I try my best not to put my negative moods into the world but sometimes it can lead to some serious thinking…

Today I’ve been reading news. Never a good thing. I think what bothers me the most is the lack of awareness out there. The lack of anger. The lack of panic. Why is no one else freaking out like I am? Why is no one else slightly terrified of bringing a new life into this world we live in considering the direction we’re headed? I’m not just talking about the degrading morals… I’m talking about the 1st world taking everything for granted and not realizing what deep shit we’re in (pardon mon français) .

Water. It is in everything we eat, everything we drink, most things we do involve this seemingly commonplace liquid. The average American uses roughly 176 gallons of it a day. We are running out. FAST. It has been predicted that by the year 2050 the world will be facing the largest scale water crisis in the history of recorded time. That’s what…. less than 40 years from now? Quite frankly… what are we doing, people?

Amount of water used, per day, to irrigate the world’s golf courses: 2.5 billion gallons

Amount of people in the world who lack access to safe and clean drinking water: 884 million people

And we’re watering golf courses.

Anyone else having a “wtf?” moment?

Have some music for this next section: Mizan Version David Bowie/Trent Reznor Version

The average American uses more clean drinkable water in a 5 minute shower than the average impoverished African family uses in a day. England uses about half what Americans do and Japan a third.

What I’m really getting at is that we have more in the news about Brad and Angelina than we do about this? Why? Because Brad and Angelina sell and this is the scary truth. Ostriches. No one wants to acknowledge the alarms going off around them so they bury their head in the sand.

It’s great for me to dream of having kids and moving into a house and progressing in my career, but the terrifying reality is that it may not go that way. A human being can go for almost a month without food… but only a week without water.

Did you know that there are large corporations buying up the water rights throughout the world and hoarding it? Imagine a world where bottled water is no longer a choice. Where you turn on the tap and nothing comes out. Imagine water being sold by the gallon at ever-rising prices as the supply erodes.

It’d be like gas prices… only if you can’t pay it it’s much worse than having to give up your precious car… it’s life or death.

It makes me very sad to think that I may tell my children about the days of having a pool in the backyards and playing in the yard with the hose knowing they’ll never experience the same.

But, there are children in the world right now who never got that luxury.

All I want is for people to take the time to face the truth about this and other things happening in the world around them. Don’t be distracted by the media’s shiny celebrities. Pay attention to what’s going on. Watch a documentary instead of a romantic comedy. Watch it with your kids. Learn something together. Grow the bonds of your family by knowing how much you rely on one another.

And please… save resources whenever you can and I will try to do the same. I’m not perfect. But, I am scared. I guess that’s something.

Tomorrow’s post will be much nicer, I promise.

Facts from Water Facts and Water.org

Just a Short “Hello”

20 Jan

Ok so haven’t been on much the past few days because of work. Sorry.

I do, however, have some fun news!

  1. Today my OPK showed positive (so keep your fingers crossed for me!)
  2. Hubs and I actually agreed on a boy name. [GASP!]

We both like the name Silas. I’m adding that to the first ever “agreed upon” names list.

You know… while we’re on the topic of names: the other day I was looking up some stats on a couple names (I don’t want any names in the top 100, I check for feedback from people with that name, the meaning of names, etc.) and I came across a forum post written by a girl who was simply terrified that her brother’s girlfriend admitted to having always wanted to name her first daughter Jack (not Jackie, or Jacqueline or any variation there of). I have to admit… it kind of annoyed me because of the amount of people responding and saying how wrong it was to name a girl that. I know girls named Frankie, Charlie, Taylor, Toni, Jessie, Ashley, Jamie, Justyn, Skyler, Max, Mickey, Kelly, and Van. All of them “boy” names. Some of them, I’ll admit, have fallen into primary use by girls like Ashley and Kelly. But, originally they were traditionally boys’ names. Personally, I think if the mother wants to name her daughter Jack that she should go for it and I think it’s adorable. There is no right or wrong way to name your kid. If the kid hates it they can get it changed when they’re a little older.

I’m afraid I have a lot of work to catch up on today so this post is going to be regrettably short. I will hopefully make a much longer post tomorrow as I have more to share with you guys.

Getting Organized

16 Jan

Today, I woke up with a lot of energy. I feel like today is a day for getting things done. Mostly, organizing.

I am not the neatest or most organized person on the planet (by far). I always struggle with keeping things in order, on time and generally from being a giant mess. So, today I’m researching some creative organization tips and thought I’d share some very useful ones with you!

SO handy!

So, this is an awesome idea! I love the hanging canisters by ribbons from the hooks along the bottom. I think this would be great for the various notepads I have around the office as well as my business cards, etc. I could put a ruler where the have wrapping paper. This would definitely free up some space on my desk.

Clothespin To-Do

Adorable and flexible!

I love this to-do list because you can easily move things around and it looks a whole lot nicer than all the post-it notes piled around the edge of my computer monitor. My to-do lists are massive.

File Box

So cute!

This is adorable! Especially since I’m always needing to file something and I hate filing cabinets with a passion! Although, I may replace the letter with a pretty printed tag or something like that; this is still a fantastic idea! If you click on the picture it will take you to a tutorial on how to make this awesome box (and a fantastic craft blog).

So, those are the ideas I have brewing at present. I had a really cute idea for something else, but I’ll have to see whether or not it’s cost-effective before I make it. I’m kinda broke, after all.

Also, today I have been pondering baby names. Again (still in cycle #1… OPK has not shown positive yet this month). I think the naming will be one of my favorite parts of having a baby. For me, it sets forth a part of their personality (Although, I watched an interesting documentary once that claimed names have very little true impact on children aside from job opportunities). Here’s the list of names I’m pondering today. Keep in mind none of these have been approved by the hubs, so many of these are probably not really in the running. (I’m putting the meanings of the name after each one)

Girls:

  1. Zoe – Life (I just love the meaning. I hope that my child would be able to embody it daily)
  2. Heidi – Noble
  3. Kaylan – Slender
  4. Riley – Rye clearing (an ex-coworker I know and rather dislike named her daughter this so… iffy)
  5. Corinne – Maiden (koh-rin…. may be confusing because my aunt’s name is Karin…)

Boys:

  1. Reese – Enthusiasm (another great meaning)
  2. Owen – Well born
  3. Finn – Fair
  4. Seamus – Supplanter (This was the name of someone from my past that was a really negative influence… but it’s such a nice name)
  5. Alan – Rock

So, those are my thoughts for now. No to-do list as I’m short on time right now.

Rock and Stroll

13 Jan

I never really know what my posts are going to be about until I start typing. Sometimes I have ideas when I’m away from my computer and think to myself “I should write this down so I can write about it later”, but I never do. Or I think “I should take some pictures and I could blog about this later”, but I never do. Gotta work on that.

I’m in a kind of “babies-on-the-brain” mood again because my basal thermometer arrived last night and this morning was the first time I recorded my temperature on my chart. I’ll laugh my head off if I actually get pregnant this month and am left over with something like 20 OPK strips and a brand new hardly used basal thermometer. Of course, getting preggers this month would be a little bit of awesome.

Let’s talk about some of my favorite baby stuff!

Cribs/Furniture

I love the convertible crib sets because it makes so much sense! The crib comes with all the necessary pieces to become a toddler bed and then a full-sized headboard and footer! A lot of the sets include dressers and changing tables that become end tables when baby is older.

Although I love the look of things like this Scandinavian Cradle from Luxury Lamb… at $800 for a piece that baby will outgrow in a year or two it just make absolutely no sense (or cents… see what I did there?).

For the same price (and often times much less) you get a bed that stays with your kids for YEARS. All through their infant-teenage life as long as the construction holds up. My favorite one so far is this crib by Stork Craft sold at Target (for a whopping $229). I think I like it because of those 2 wider panels on it. As the kid gets older and wants new furniture not only could you paint the crib/headboard/thingamawijit but you could do some awesome DIY art type stuff on those panels to really personalize it and tailor it more to your kids interests. Heck, let the kid do it! (I was forever painting and repainting my walls and furniture as a kid. Loved it!)

Strollers

I think strollers are awesome. I totally drive a VW beetle. Where the [redacted] am I supposed to put a stroller?! I guess I’ll worry about that after I figure out where I’m putting the car seat but just for S&G’s here’s my dream-stroller:

It’s called Apple by iCandy. And frankly… it’s adoralicious. It also has an extendable handle which is suuuuper important because my hubbers is 6’5. He’s up there. It’s bad enough the poor dear works in kitchen where the counters are all built for average height people so he’s hunched over all day at work (his poor back). I see custom height counters in our future. So, this would be a fantastic thing for him. But, at a price tag of $449… paying for a massage may be cheaper. There are plenty of lesser priced strollers out there but I only have eyes for this one at the moment. (Just let me dream a bit)

Well I think we’ll stop here for today. Maybe tomorrow we’ll talk some more about baby stuff. Maybe not. Who knows?

TODAY:

  1. Work (TGIF!)
  2. Clean house
  3. Coffee?
  4. Nap (I’m sleepy)
  5. Continue reading A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin
  6. Sleeeeeeep