Introducing Skaði

29 Jan

I feel almost like I should make a separate blog for the part of me that’s not me. The bipolar part that comes out and takes over my thoughts and emotions. I’ve learned to think of myself as two separate people almost. One is me, the way I know me and like myself. The other is some monster that is out to ruin my life. I’m gonna call her “Skaði“. Skaði is a character from Norse mythology… what she did to Loki reminds me of what my other me does to the real me… She hung a venomous snake above Loki’s face and when the venom fell on him he writhed in such pain that the world was wracked with earthquakes. That’s kinda how I feel. I’m fine as long as the venom doesn’t touch me but as soon as it collects enough to drip down… my entire world starts crumbling.

This morning I yelled at Shawn for absolutely nothing. We had been in the car, I was driving, he had just taken me to breakfast for my birthday (25 now) and asked me if I wanted to go look at some antiques. I had thought he motioned at the flea market on the service road so I got off at the exit and turned down the service road. In the car we had been discussing some family issues that make us both rather angry and I was already fired up from talking about it. As I went around the corner I cut it too close and hit the curb (car’s fine just a good knock). I was so embarrassed and being embarrassed tends to raise the stress/anger level and then as I was pulling up to the flea market he asked me why we were there, he thought we were going to the antique stores in town. Apparently I had misread him and that made me even more embarrassed… enough to tip the scale I guess because before I even knew what was happening I was yelling at him something along the line of “Well tell me what you want then!”, slamming my fist on the steering wheel and my foot on the brake. Of course he got angry and asked me why the Hell I was getting angry at him and I had no good answer… it wasn’t the sort of thing you should get that angry over. I stopped to take a few breaths and tried to ask as calmly as possible what did he want to do. We ended up just going home and he went to lay down while I tried to deal with Skaði.

I don’t take any meds for bipolar… maybe I should? I don’t really know what to do. It really scares me that I have such little control over what Skaði says and does. I’ll always be the first to take full responsibility for my actions, but they really are episodes. I tend to not realize what I’ve said or done until halfway through the act. Sometimes not until someone tells me what just happened (only ever happened twice like that though).

What scares me the most is having children… I want to be a mom and I feel like I’d be really good at it and I’ve always known it was something I wanted to do… What about Skaði? Will I really be able to handle the baby who won’t stop crying or the rebellious teenager? It’s a concept that makes me really sad.

The worst part is, for the first time in years, today I wondered how much better off the world would be without me. I’m not trying to be dramatic or attention getting, please don’t take this the wrong way, I just think that if I say it somewhere instead of letting the thought just fester alone in the back of my mind… maybe I can reread this later and remind myself how ridiculous it is. I thought about how Shawn could find another girl who was a bit more reliable and a lot less crazy and how much better off his kids would be. I know he wouldn’t approve of the thought process, but it came on its own without invitation.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Skaði makes me feel so helpless. She plants awful thoughts in my head and tells me how unloved I am by everyone and how terrible my life is when I (the real me) know none of it is true. It makes me wonder how many people in my life I’ve estranged because of something Skaði whispered in my ear about them not liking me anyway. I’ve always had social anxiety… how much of that is her? How much of my life is truly controlled by her?

I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I want to be normal and not think these awful thoughts or want to cry at the drop of a hat or get angry enough to break something because of the smallest mistake. I guess I am my own worst enemy.

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4 Responses to “Introducing Skaði”

  1. Sajib January 29, 2012 at 5:13 am #

    I totally understand the point of view you wrote this from. I think of that often, end up realizing one more time that no one really cares about my existence. I guess it’s common for most other ordinary persons in the world.

  2. laughingpromises January 29, 2012 at 5:10 pm #

    I am getting the feeling that this is a spiritual issue. I will be praying for you and the release of this hold in your life.

  3. mOoDyOnE February 24, 2012 at 1:18 am #

    Thank you for sharing. I’ve got a Sadi too so I totally get it. 2nd best thing I ever did (being clean and sober for 9 yrs now is the very best) was to get on Seroquil. It’s changed my life for the better and I swear by it. All I have to do is take a little pill at bed time and my Sadi takes a back seat. Don’t get me wrong, she still comes back but when she does it’s not so bad and she’s gone rather quickly. I suggest seeing your Doctor and going from there. 🙂

    • Ashley February 24, 2012 at 10:32 am #

      I have considered medication. I need to have a conversation with my doctor about options and where I’m at.

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