First off…. Watch this: TED Talks
We have engineered creativity out of ourselves and our children. Isn’t it sad? I did horribly in school. I was fantastic come test time… I had the highest test scores in my class, but I had a very low grade point average. I was also taken to several psychiatrists and by the time I was 10 years old I took 8 pills every morning. I can’t even tell you what they all were. ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety, over-active imagination, tendency to exaggerate, over-dramatic, too much energy, can’t sit still, doesn’t play well with others, not enough attention to academics, doesn’t know how to study, obviously doesn’t care, failing.
What could I have been if they had just let me be me and express myself in the ways my body was telling me to?
I came across this quote from a site called toxicdrums:
Boredom is actually a form of distress. To get a perspective on this consider all those relaxed lions dozing in the mid day sun on the African plains. You won’t see a bored one. But in a zoo they can (unfortunately) sometimes be seen neurotically pacing backwards and forwards. That is a bored lion. When you are feeling bored it is usually because the natural activities that you want are not available as choices in your conscious mind. You are in some sense caged. The typical reason for this is that you have been restricted in your past by figures of authority, your parents, your teachers, or other people looking after you. See the educating children page for more about how we stifle our children. It’s called oppression and you learn to comply to stay safe and survive. Eventually you are doing it to yourself without being conscious of it. So it seems a mystery why you feel unhappy and stuck.
Isn’t it bizarre? Trapped in our own minds. I just wonder how to begin trying to reclaim some of what may have been lost to me. They say getting outside and exercising is a good beginning. I wish it would stop raining.
This is a minor Skadi day for me. A little shaky, but surviving. We don’t have internet at the new place yet so it’s hard for me to post. I took lots of pictures to share, but the internet from the retirement home next door is very weak and it’d take too long to upload them right now.
Featured image is body art by Emma Hack – She’s fantastic
It’s been a while, folks. Tomorrow is the big day. The day we go sign the lease on the new apartment and get the keys to begin moving in. It’s stressful, but in a good way. It has made me a little short and I can feel myself stretched onto the ledge just barely hanging on. I feel wound like a rubberband… with just the wrong touch I’ll fly off and snap. I’m working hard trying to maintain positivity, but I can feel the anxiety hiding just under the surface. It scares me and that makes it worse.
Tonight I watched Benny and Joon. I love that movie. It always makes me smile. I hope one day to have a house as colorful and fun as hers looks in the movie.
I think Shawn knows I’m on the tipping point… he hardly spoke to me yesterday. Maybe I’m just imagining something out of paranoia, though. He tells me I do that a lot.
I don’t really have anything to report. I just felt like I should probably try typing some stuff out to help me relax a little.
I don’t think it’s working though. I need to find something else to do. I’m just scared. I don’t want to fall out right now. I have too much to do and we only have 2 weeks to get everything moved and cleaned. I can’t fall out right now. I need to stay happy.
New Rule: I cannot watch The United States of Tara. Last night I was feeling good and happy and then I watched a rather sad episode and could feel my mood tipping dangerously close to “the fall”. I had to run to the store, get some more chai tea and then run home to watch all sorts of happy stuff like puppies and Doctor Who (I love rewatching the Christmas Specials).
Also… artwork completed. I made this vector style poster. Been working on it for a while now. I think I’ll get quotes on printing and offer it as a print on Etsy.
I’m working on another one already but have a long way to go.
Anyhoo I just wanted to drop in and say “Hello” and say that my day is going very well. I’m about to go meet up with an old friend and that promises to be very pleasant!
Have I ever told you guys that my husband is the most fantastic and awesome guy ever? He is. Seriously. Yesterday he came home from work with a bundle of flattened boxes all bound together by some masking tape. I love that he listens. I never even asked him for more boxes! And then today he took me to get coffee and then to the comic book shop where I got an issue of the Doctor Who comics (the 2010 annual) and an issue of The Doctor Who Companion magazine! I think my affection for DW may be getting out of hand, but as long as Shawn is enjoying it as much as I am then who cares?
I want to get a tattoo. I love tattoos! This one will probably be next, because sometimes if I think about a tattoo too long I’ll talk myself out of it and what fun is that? I want to get sort of a cameo with lace around the outside but in the middle instead of a silhouette I want a picture of the tardis with roses growing behind it. And somewhere in the lace, kind of hidden I want the words “Bad Wolf” stitched into the lines. And then underneath the whole thing, maybe overlapping the cameo a little, banner that says “Allons-y”. I need this. It will go on the outside of my right ankle/lower calf.
Confession: I had pizza today and yesterday. That is totally NOT diet friendly. I feel like I need the move. I need this total reset to be able to get my life back together. My apartment is a mess (today I took out 3 bags full of trash). I guess ever since my last episode… I didn’t clean at all during it and the house fell apart. Big time. I just haven’t had the motivation yet to get up take it all back. I really hate the fallout from it. I was watching the United States of Tara and she was talking about how much she hated cleaning up after her other personalities… I kind of knew pretty much how she felt. Obviously not entirely… but, by the time I’m feeling like myself again there’s usually mess and destruction all around me. Not always physical either. It puts a lot of stress on my personal relationships.
There is another side to bipolar… not just myself and Skadi… there’s also the manic side. When I feel so happy and energized I could just bounce off the walls. It’s also the reason I was first misdiagnosed as ADHD. But, it gets to the point where I’m obviously not acting like myself anymore (I usually get the “Are you ok?” and the “What are you on?” questions). I’m a fairly calm and down to earth person in general. I like to be happy, but quietly. I haven’t had a good flash of manic for a while now. I could use one with the move coming up. I tend to get so much done. Endless amounts of energy, and like this crazy super focus. It’s like I can hone in on one thing like a missile and ignore everything else. I could really use that right now. I need to get a lot done.
So… best to start right now. I’m going to put on some indie-rock on Pandora (welcome back springtime!) and I’ll work on cleaning, laundry and packing.
So, here’s the report: Last night’s “experiment” went very well. Is it the beginning of something bigger and deeper? I’m not sure. I did get invited by one of the girls from last night to go to a local Mardi Gras parade today, but I wasn’t feeling well and after work I simply went home to lie down.
I’m excited about the prospect of new friends and at the same time apprehensive. I’m always afraid to put any stresses on my relationship with hubs because I tend to get kind of weird. I’ll begin constantly asking him if he’s angry or if I’m doing something wrong. Totally a confidence issue, but it makes me try to avoid the situation all the same. I hope that he’ll be ok with me being a little more “out of the house”. People tell me it shouldn’t matter and I should do what I want to, the end. But, it does matter. His opinion will always be a big influence on my life as much as my opinion influences him (and it does, believe me). I guess that’s really the definition of marriage. Agreeing to compromise.
Packing. Not going well. Remember that really organized packing plan I made for myself? Yea… no. I’ve run out of boxes and have yet to get all the trinkets away so I came up with a new plan: Since I only have 5 boxes (which is really all that will fit in my car at once) I will pack up all the boxes, drive them to the new apartment, then unpack them and PUT THINGS WHERE THEY BELONG, take the empty boxes back to the old apartment and do it again! This forces me to unpack as I’m moving! I won’t have any boxes stacked up waiting for me to get to them to unpack them! Really, I’m wondering why I didn’t think of this first. I’ll call it “Rotational Relocation”. Rotating the same 5 boxes to move everything from one place to the other and since we won’t be actually sleeping at the new apartment until a week after we’ve had it it’ll gives us plenty of time to work on it slowly and do it properly. Especially since we’ll both still be working a full day for most of that week. Only two weeks until we begin moving now. I’m excited.
Diet. Not going well either. I need to clear my head again. I need to get my mind in the place where everyday I wake up, go online and find a dress I want to wear and look good in, print it out and put it on the wall right before I make my first shake of the day. I have got to do this. I have also got to start walking further each day. I know Chase won’t mind. The new apartment complex doesn’t have a gym in it, so I better get used to finding time to go somewhere and work out. I have got to get in shape. Seriously. So, I just had a shake, tomorrow I will have nothing but shakes all day. Wish me luck.
Also, I’ve been working on a digital art project which is something I haven’t done in a while. When it’s finished I’ll post it here. It’s sort of a Doctor Who poster/t-shirt type thingy. Maybe. I hardly ever know what my art will be until it is. You know?